


Everything You Are

by lazysterek



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Spoiler 1x13
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-06-01 05:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6501943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazysterek/pseuds/lazysterek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s funny how you sooner realized there is someone who loves you and it was when you have done something wrong. He wanted to apologize but the word “Sorry” isn’t good enough to say how badly the situation is. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. This isn’t a soap opera or Romeo and Juliet play show at the theatre.But apparently this is his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything You Are

**Author's Note:**

> It is my first work that I am trying hard enough to give it the story that it deserve. I would like to apologize if there is any mistake in it and i hate to mischaracterize the characters but i hope everyone enjoy this fic. I will make a fix in it later.

It was once glance before he followed Clary but he knew how much Raphael is disappointed in himself for betrayal the whole clan but mostly him.He felt those hurtful clench in his guts and how his heart for the first time felt closer to being alive when he saw Raphael’s face.But it is better to pretend that he was fine because he could never admit his selfishness to do all of this is to show Clary, he’s the one who deserves her heart. Putting aside he cares about Clary’s mother but he hates how he use it as an excuse especially after he knew that Jace is her brother.

“I miss you so much” Clary cried when her mum finally woke up from the spell and thanks to Magnus it worked. He stopped from having his deepest thought about things that have already been done. He wanted to go home now but Raphael hates him. This does not feels right but why? Maybe for the first time (apart from feeling alive since he’s not technically alive) someone sees him the way he wanted to for many years. He wants someone to hold him and say how much they needed him.He wants a home with someone. And yes that person is Raphael all along. And he messed up so badly this time.

“Clary I don’t know where I need to be right now. I mean,I have nowhere to live since I betrayed my clan remember that?” The last part was meant to be sarcastic, he was bitter and he needed someone to blame. Even though it was his fault. All of this.

Everyone was there and they didn’t care enough to think he has no place now. He does not want to ruin those moment between she and her mother. Clary looks guilty because in her case, she is the one who suggested the idea. She knew Simon would never say “No” since he loves her that much. But she could never love him the way she loves Jace.

“I’m sorry Simon ab—“ Her words were cut off when she saw how Simon looks sad like a broken record he’s trying to keep it together but they have been best friend for years and she knew him. He’s not okay right now but he doesn’t want anyone inside this room to know how messed up he is.

“He can come with me” Finally Luke spoke since he had been silent the whole time. He implied for Simon to stay at his place since there is no way the pack would accept a vampire nonetheless. But Simon is part of the family and he needs to get all the support he need right now.

“I think. I need to get out for a walk “ Simon said and walked out. Clary shouldn’t follow him at all. Whenever they had a fight, he would be the first one to walk away. And he still doesn’t want anyone to follow him because he need some time alone and figure out things. But he wants Raphael to follow him always and it is so sappy he want to cry. It’s his fault. He tried to get the wrong love from someone who could never love him the way he wants to.

“ I am disappointed in you” The words echoed in his head, over and over, each word he couldn’t forget, and will forever haunts him. Raphael hates him,that is what he thought, he assumed that because he does not need a constant reminder how he betrayed Raphael for the sake of his unrequited love for Clary.

It’s funny how you sooner realized there is someone who loves you and it was when you have done something wrong. He wanted to apologize but the word “Sorry” isn’t good enough to say how badly the situation is. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. This isn’t a soap opera or Romeo and Juliet play show at the theatre. But apparently this is his life. 

*Flashback

Simon laid down on his bed while reading a book Raphael got to him since he was so bored and sometimes spending too much time on the Internet can be dreading for an immortal. One of the book is in Spanish and it is Raphael’s favorite (he told him) but he couldn’t read in Spanish or even speak in it but he still keep it because Raphael give it to him. It meant something to him and he does not know why.

There’s a knock in his door and he just knew it’s going to be Raphael because no one else here associate with him or his friends except Raphael since the guy that took him to this clan.

“I thought you needed this” Raphael threw two bags of blood. Ah,he forgot to feed today and thanks to Raphael he is not going to starve for today. 

“Thanks. I forgot to feed today” 

“Hmm, you know you can come outside of this room and meet with other. We’re your family” 

He snorted at the last part “You’re my family. They hate me you know it too”

“You’re saying that because you assume stuffs Simon” He preened at the way Raphael said his name. He know he assumed stuffs most of the time but this time he knew they hate him. I mean come on you don’t actually think someone like you when they ignore your existence when you are trying to talk to them.

“Actually I prefer here. I feel safe and I would like to keep my head intact to my body okay?”

Raphael rolled his eyes.”They won’t kill you. Because I would never let them to that. I promise”

Simon looked up from his book he was reading and Raphael looks serious about it. He wanted to joke about it because it feel awkward at that time. Because he meant it and Simon wanted to keep holding to it.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

*End of flashback

It also feel really hurt because Raphael ordered his clan to kill him for betraying them. When he promised that Simon can feel the fluttered in his stomach and his heart beats so fast. He didn’t knew it was love at the time. He thought it was just a confusion. Because he does not need another person to get hope on just because this person told him the words he wanted to hear.He almost giving up on Clary when she is clearly in love with Jace. Someone who he can never be compete with. He does not has something that Jace has. But when he knew they were siblings, those hope came back and he acted out on his selfishness which resulted into this.

Clary Fray could never love him. Period.


	2. Somebody To Die For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm focusing more on his relationship with Luke. Next chapter will be Raphael's POV. I'm really sorry if there's a mistake to it. I will try my best.

After a long walked in the neighbourhood he got a text from Luke telling him to come back to his apartment since it is safer to stay inside. It is almost dawn and the creature of night will start to roam the street in a few hours. He is one of downworlders but he does not want to deal with other creatures, especially the werewolves. He thought bitterly about the whole thing. _Shut up Simon the whole thing doesn’t revolve around you. Stop making everything about you. It’s not just you that is hurting right now. Raphael is hurting because of your fucking betrayal and you’re here, self-pitying yourself over this instead you could fix this. But he does not want you anymore,stop fooling yourself into thinking he wants you back after what you have done. But what if he forgive me?Well what if is not good enough to make up for the shit you have done you piece of shit!_

He stopped in front of Luke’s apartment. Fighting with his other thought isn’t fun at all but he couldn’t help but blame himself over and over. Gosh,he is getting tired of his shit. So he went inside and searched for 34 room and hope to God,Luke is there.He knocked the door many times before Luke finally opened it. He seemed worried, well because of him too. Nice, he’s blaming himself again.

“Come in. I’ll get you some clothes and you can take a rest. Make yourself at home” He took off his jacket (Raphael’s jacket) and put it on the couch. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know where I would go, can’t imagine the Institute would accept a downworlder.”Luke went to his room to get his clothes before he came back to the living room where Simon sat on the couch.

“You are my family too. I know you are feeling as if everything you are is a burden but everyone is worried about you. Yes even Alec is worried about you”

_The last part is a joke right. I know Alec is capable of caring about someone but not someone like him. Well Alec cares about Magnus._

“After everything I have done, I don’t think I’m in any position to deny it’s not my fault Luke. I mean they hate me. I hate myself too”

Luke sighed and gave his shirt and pants to Simon “It’s my old clothes, it might be a little big for you but it will do”

“Tha—“

“If you haven’t notice, everyone cares about you. Maybe not in a way you want to but they do. Yes you fucked up the trust you have built around the people you care and you won’t escape the possibility of messing it up. But you admit it’s your fault and you want to fix it.Don’t just fled off over one big fuck up.”

“How am I going to survive now?” Theoretically speaking he does not know how to feed himself without killing off innocent people. He needs to control his murder tendencies.

“Like we did it the other day. You need to adapt to what’s in front of you” Okay he meant I need to suck off raw meat. Like a freaking wolf.

“ I don’t want to suck raw meat Luke.”

“I didn’t make you suck the raw meat”

“Well I don’t want to feed off on blood that if you haven’t notice it’s from a raw meat”

“Stop saying raw meat as if it’s a bad thing”

He doesn’t mean to whine about it. I mean he wouldn’t be starve and that’s a good thing but he also doesn’t want to drink that kind of blood. _This is what happen when you’re too dependent on Raphael._

“Okay, I will try to learn to control this blood thirst without killing anyone but please tell me there’s a way to get blood. Which is not from a raw meat.”

“I promise that. Just get some rest and we will get through this together. I need to meet my pack tomorrow you can come with me unless you prefer to spend your time in this apartment.”

“I don’t think I want to deal with pack of werewolves tomorrow. No offense.”

“I don’t see how that’s offensive. They doesn’t tolerate vampire for centuries, you’re just brave enough to sit in a diner full of werewolves waiting to chew your head off”

“This isn’t reassuring me Luke” He exasperated and laid his head on cushion.

“There’s a room for you. Now go to sleep”

* * *

 

His phone rang.

Again.

And Again.

He woke up at the third called. He decided to ignore it since he knew who it was. _It’s not going to be from Raphael anyway._ He is still bitter so what if he couldn’t get his shit together and pretend as if everything is okay.

He didn’t open the curtain and let the sunlight inside his room because it wasn’t fair for him. He’s daylighter and even things like that still a salt to wound reminder how he always complain about being a vampire. How he becomes a monster and he forgot _they didn’t choose this either even Raphael feels this way._ And the thought that Raphael could be alone and hurt,he wants to wrap around him and make him feel safe. He was scared and he didn’t want to become this way.

His phone rang again. Annoyed at it he took the phone and it was Clary.

He answered it for the sake of it.

“Simon I was –‘

“ Look Clary I don’t want to sound like a real dickhead but I don’t want to talk to you”

“ I know it’s my fault too. I want to check if you’re okay. Simon, I’m really sorry for making you let Camille out and making Raphael ordered his clan to kill you” _Made Raphael ordered his clan to kill me. He laughed at those words.He was the one who drive the older vamp to kill him.Not her._

“You don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“You are my best friend. Of course I will be worried about you.”

“You know what? How can you be so oblivious all the this time. Do I need to spell it out for you to get it. I fucking love you all this time. It’s not platonic. I love you the way you love Jace. And you don’t even know it.”

She silent for a while.

“Simon, this isn’t something we need to talk about on phone.Meet me up at our usual place.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little dangerous. Valentine got the cup and I don’t think we need to worry about my goddamn feelings. We need to come up with a plan. Now that our dear Jace is on his side”

“I don’t know why you’re acting this way. Yes, everything is messing up now. I need you. I don’t know what I would do if you’re not here. And mum misses you.”

_Everything is falling apart. I know. I know but I need some time alone. I don’t want to get off from this bed. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Is it true vampire could sleep for centuries and wake up from 100 years now. If so, he wants to sleep away his misery and everything he loathes about himself._

“Sure. But not today.”

He hanged up the call. And he almost called Raphael. He could send a text but he’s too emotionally constipated for that. Every words that he typed feels wrong so he deleted it.

_Hey Raphael. I want to say how sorry I am. I shouldn’t betray you. I never listen to you and I never regret it until now. You always worried about me. And I always get myself hurt. For the sake of my own self, I hurt you by hurting myself. If you hate me now, I could never change that. But I love you and it feels right to say it. But it is not the right time to say it. No. You promised me you would never hurt me. But you tried to hurt me. I don’t blame you. It’s my fault. I know._

Delete.

Fucking delete each word.


	3. All I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: I haven't read the series. But their relationship is far off what's in the book. So each of the situation it's up to me. I hope you guys love it and I will fix each of mistake I have made which I'm really sorry. Next update is coming up soon.

Betrayal.

He should have never trusted that fledgling.

He never trusted anyone before. He didn't give enough power for them to see his vulnerable side. He wanted to regret for saving that fledgling life.  _He shouldn't kidnap him in the first place, look how it got to him._

The whole clan is fidgeting whether should they break the silence. They are waiting for him to either give another direct order or smash the whole place down. He's a man in control but they have seen the worst and this time it's a hurricane. Ever since that daylighter came into their clan, things are getting better for sure. Raphael Santiago is not dangerous like Camille, but he's not a saint man either. He was a good catholic man. He still hold onto that belief. But even the spark of immortality a man could lose his control and give in to the devil itself.

But how was he to know, he was a prophet. Simon was supposed to be his God. That kid managed to break down each of his skin, peeling away one by one, it was painful and it was shameful. And he likes the way how he lose his control whenever he's around. In a best way, Simon is his weakness. Because he feels alive more than he was once alive and a mundane. He hates how he could never say "no" to each of his pleading. Only because he's in love with that redhead shadowhunter.

_He wants to spit that last words._

_"I am disappointed in you"_

He is also disappointed in himself. For making himself believe someone could love him. But sometimes he catches how Simon would stared at him when he's not looking. He could feel those heartbeat races when he's around him. He's not a fool. But he's blind for someone who always careful with letting others inside.

He also love his face when he ordered his clan to kill him. How Simon knew it was his biggest mistake. And Raphael loves how it torn him apart knowing he meant nothing to the leader. His face at that time was so obvious and he wants to rewind over and over at those moment. Just to torture himself.

He lied.

He hates how he is the one who made that face. And said that five words. If he could describe it, it's the epitome of the whole place crashing and then dead silence. The silence of betrayal. Oh how he loves the sound of it. He wanted to hate Simon for what he have done. In reality he's lying and he wants to deny every emotions that suffocate him and how he never know love could be such a comfort blanket, knowing you are looking forward everyday because you want to see someone, talk to them, be closer to them.

And yet it was so far and he thought he reached to that top of mountain. No he fell. It's not fucking tragic. That's why he hates emotions. Even when you become vampire you don't lose emotions, unlike what Stephenie Meyer fantasizes about vampire falls in love and it was the greatest feelings. Almost closest to how soulmates feel like. No, you don't fall in love and have this butterfly sick feeling in your guts. Maybe he is not normal with the way he falls for him.  _It feels like the other person took each of his guts and squeeze it until it bled and smash it back into his body, continuously ripping apart his chest while whispering the words of heaven to him._

He was a sacrifice. 

"He's with the shadowhunters. Do you want us to kill him?" One of the vampire there spoke. 

"Leave."

They looked at each other. They knew they don't have a say to this when Raphael told them to leave. He is not in a mood to be compromise and being surrounded with the clan. So they walked out the door, leaving him alone. Yes, it wasn't fair for anyone. But that does not mean he's going to sit still and let them walk the line between what they have made the accords with them and broke those promise. He promised he would protect Simon Lewis from any danger. It is a promise.

Why does he needs to protect him? After everything, deep down he wants to know if that fledgling is okay. He does not want to take any decision right now. Not when it based purely out of his irrational emotions. 

_Rage._

_Sadness._

_And yet he wants him back._

**_But his ego won't give the pleasure to forgive him._ **

A footstep behind him. It's getting closer. And it stops.

"We need to talk" Lily is behind him. He expected her to come in after his outburst. Well he does not want to deal with her. But she insisted on being there.

"I assumed you're here because someone decided to betray us and it's my fault."

"Assumption is mostly wrong. Besides you never make any of it unless you don't know how to speak normally."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't what to say so you're making this sort of talk because you're a mess. Raphael, no one blames you."

"I certainly am blaming myself right now."

"You ordered them to kill him and those shadowhunters. It was the right call."

"I don't know what to think anymore."

"Some of us are hesitate to kill him. We might never been in the best term. But he was a part of the family."

He snarked back "He's still part of the family."

Lily smiled " Well he is. But you shouldn't act this way. We know how much he meant to you. And we would never hurt our own kinds."

"Even when he betrayed us?" He bit his tongue and clenched his fist, unclench it.

"You know why. I know they never treated us equally. But they need her to broke the spell. Don't ask how I know it."

"I want to forgive him but I also want him to suffer."

"This isn't out of rationality Raphael. You're blinded by your own anger. Take your time to think about this." She sighed and patted on his back before she went out of his room.

He's confused and he wants to forget what just happened today.

* * *

Weeks passed without a care. Jace is still on Valentine's side. What even worst is that they got the immortal cup. They have came up with plans and they're running out of time. It must be nice being a mundane, simply ignore and not knowing the world has come its end. The tension between everyone especially with Magnus and Alec being apart from each other when they meet. They would looked at each other and it was getting awkward lately for Simon to stay in the middle of it.

He already talked to Clary about his unrequited feelings all these years. She said no matter what happens, they will always remain as best friend and he's a part of her family. He knew she couldn't accept him as a lover. He thought he would get all heartbroken and sad by it but he was relieved for admitting it after for so long. One of the reason is also because his feelings for the other person. Who now hates him a lot. He still haven't talk to Raphael because he's scared. He knows Raphael wouldn't hurt him but he gets a feeling rejection is what he deserve if he meets the leader of New York clan.

So he tries to give him times. Truthfully, he is giving himself a time. The thought of meeting Raphael is a nerve wracking enough for him to back down. He's a coward.

For these past few weeks, he trained himself with Luke by his side. To contain those desire for blood and it is getting better each day. _Raphael would be proud of him._

He still doesn't like the taste of human blood. It reminds him how inhuman he is. He's getting used to being awake at night and sleep during the day. Mostly how strong he is.

But he hates how he can do this without Raphael in it. The older vampire would praise him instead of yelling at him to get better. He would roll his eyes if Simon jokes and talks a lot with pure enthusiasm and couldn't stop running his mouth and he still know Raphael would pay attention to his words closely. 

He would say "Hey big guy I made it. See I could definitely do this and all because of your stupid training.Well it's not that stupid but I'm bored to death. And oh how i can finally control my fangs, SEE it doesn't come out especially when I see someone's hot around me" with a wink at the end.

Raphael would tell him to shut up.

And it would have been enough for him.

He never knew how much he wants the other person. He is a sappy person deep down. When he had a crush on Clary he always imagined one day he would married her. In sappiest way, he would show up in a big bouquet of flowers and there would be candles around and he would play his guitar, senerade "Fly Me To The Moon" by Frank Sinatra.

She would cry and say "I do" and he would be the happiest man alive.

_Well, would._

But he soon begin wanting to hold this person's hand and spend each of his day with them. He would wake up to this person on his bed and plays with the other's hair. Counting stars on their back and kiss each one of it slowly. Savor the time he has with this person. He does not need marriage to know this person is his. The way the other looks at him as if they could see the galaxies in his eyes. There's so much trust in it.

_The other person is Raphael Santiago._

He want to choose between giving up on this hopeless feeling or waits for Raphael to trust him back. 


	4. Bittersweet Tragedy

> _"But I miss you more than I thought I would"_

Raphael missed the day where he doesn't feel he needed to be there. Before meeting that fledgling, he wasn't bitter with the way he found comfort with loneliness. He has his clan with him. But respectively speaking, he wants someone to stand by his side, he wants to love someone. And he thought he couldn't love anyone, not in a way he watched how his mother looked at his father. It was the love he craved for so long. It was right in front of him and it's not like he doesn't know it already. It's easier to deny it and pretend there's no feeling exists in the first place. He also thinks he doesn't deserves Simon, as if he's saying "I love you but no fucking way". He hates himself for it.

Weeks have passed without him noticing. He could almost feel his presence in this room. Or the memories where Simon was there with him. At first, he was annoyed with how messy that guy can be and how he would laughed so hard watching the episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and asked him to sit besides him. He couldn't say no even he nagged at him over ridiculous things. And he misses it the most.

One night, Simon came to his room. 

"I want to say I'm sorry about the other day when I said you're a monster. Well I said I'm a monster because I turned into a vampire and you were there to take the blame. It was easy to put all the blame at you at that time." He's rambling again when he's nervous.

"I never hold a grudge on it. Yes, I admit it did stings when you said it but I never say it's your fault. It's my fault for kidnapping you and let Camille got near to you." He did feel guilty about it. He saved Simon on that day because he wanted to save himself. But even after that, he tried to protect that fledgling from coming back and he got himself bit by her. He was furious and first it was because she broke the accords with the shadowhunter for so many times and hurts a mundane who's one of theirs friend.

"Thanks for always saving me." Simon looked at him in the eyes. There's sincerity in it and he couldn't put place the other emotion in it. He wanted to kiss his forehead and tell it's okay. But he can't always save him so he needs to train more and get stronger each day.Simon is much more capable than he thinks he is. He wanted to tell him that but he didn't want him to think he's being weird. They tolerate each other, but lately he feels they're much more closer. But he doesn't want to think closer meant as a friend.

**He refuses to admit his feelings and yet he couldn't stand the thought of them being as friends.**

Hotel Dumort is peaceful. There's no any shadowhunter especially that redhead barges in their territory and demands for help. Even when he refuses they don't understand when to stop asking for help. They killed off his kinds because vampire is the monster no matter how much they tried to show there's still humanity left in them. But the human kind portrays them as the vicious blood sucking monster who couldn't control their thirst. Well maybe they're right.

When he was a kid,before he got tangled up in this mess,he believed there's heaven and hell. He had been taught if you're a good person, he will go to heaven. And if otherwise, eternal damnation in hell. God have no mercy to someone who's evil. But God is The Merciful, He would forgive those would gone astray. He still believe there's heaven and hell. He keeps the cross around his neck even though it burns his skin. Say the word of Amen to each of his prayer. The other vampire always looks at him funnily, they say how there's no place for creature like them.  _Like us._  

Is it true we can find heaven on earth? 

_**Lust** _

_**Greed** _

_**Negligence** _

But is true we could found the heaven in someone? They usually describe "You're my home" to show how they find home in someone and it's  _romantic._ But what about when you found heaven in someone. Then that's heaven is far off from what he would imagine. 

He used to think he could never love someone. He saw how human's love is self destructing and it's the ultimate vulnerability for them.  _It's what makes us human, we have feelings._ Even when he was a human, he still thought that love was a waste of time. 

And now he's so confused. He hates feeling that way. He never been confused like this. 

* * *

 

He's injured the day he came to Magnus' apartment. He couldn't heal fast as the bitten is deep and the venom is spreading so fast. Ironic how he's getting injured more and more these days.

"You need to stop coming here" Magnus sighed while he brewed the herbs that would tame the pain.

"Worried I ruin your time with Alec?" He teased but he feels as if there's something off about them. Magnus is not being his usual self lately.

"He's perfectly okay with it. Besides I have all the time in this world." He sounded bitter the last part which he covered it with his sarcasm.  _Yes, definitely something is off._

"Did something happened?"

"Well us immortal couldn't be with the mortal" He came closer and pressed the herbs against his wound and he didn't use his magic this time. He quickly bandage the wound and tighten the knot.

"How's Simon?" 

Magnus stared at him. "You're not feeling high right? I don't think I put that much"

"Just answer"

"He's fine. If that's what you want to hear. But what you need to hear, you need to find out yourself."  _What does that supposed to mean. Don't tell me---_

"Is he okay?" He can't help but get worried now. Magnus isn't someone who tells everything unless there's a price in it. 

"Are you still asking this now" It wasn't a question. He sit up and grabbed his jacket.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I need to meet with Simon"

Magnus rolled his eyes, knowing that Raphael would go to him when he heard that kind of answer. But he's injured and Simon is not there. Not where the place he wanted to be searched.

"And you know where to find him how?" 

"What do you mean? You obviously know something that I don't so tell me where he is"

"There's a reason I won't. Because he doesn't want to be found especially from you."

_Oh hell. Magnus fucking Bane._

"Magnus. I'm not going to hurt him." His jaw clenched and he reached to the limit. He needed answer now and Magnus is not being helpful.

"I know you're not going to hurt him. But I also know you're going to make it worst. And how do I know that? Well, I understand you. Loving someone isn't easy."

"I want to talk with him. Settle our fight."

"You seem to be the one who's running away Raphael. I'm not going to give advice to someone who doesn't listen. Put that in your debt." He continued "Now rest and let the wound heal. Especially from inside."

_He didn't want to listen Magnus. But he was right. There's no point in making it worst now. He misses him. He wanted to talk but knowing Simon is okay enough for now. Although he feels as if there's something going on. His heart clenched at the thought of it._

He came back to the living room and laid on the sofa. Magnus went to his room wanting to get away from Raphael. He couldn't face it since their situation happened because of Camille. Raphael is the reflection of his own wound. Alec still hasn't talked to him since that day he spitted out how he's immortal. He knew what it mean.

There isn't love for creature like them. 

It always end up one of them loving the other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for those lovely comments and I hope you guys enjoy this chapter too. I will make a fix later.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am deeply sorry i took a long time to update this chapter. i am not feeling great for months and the writing and characterization i am sorry if it's not canon simon at all. it is easy to write a reflection of yourself. i don't know when will this be update again but i will try to next time.

When Simon healed from the injury,he felt Raphael was there closer to him. Magnus told him he was there but left as soon he found out he was fine. A part of him does not feel anything anymore. There were no sadness, loneliness or any emotions he held that moment Raphael decided he is dead to the clan. He didn't want to go back to the good times where it felt closer to home. He lost it when he betrayed Raphael. But he started to become selfish,if only Raphael trusts him more this would not happened.

He stopped trying to explain himself when the other half only wanted to hurt him instead of being there. He is alone again. He always been alone, and in some kind of twisted way people want to make out how he is playing the victim right now. Maybe he is the fucked up one and it is his fault. He was more when he was human. That what he thought and he didn't need anyone to clarify how worthy he is. Because underneath those martyr he is beyond selfish. 

Most of the time he visited Luke,not at the werewolves den because chances are he will be dead by tomorrow. They met up at a normal places where he use to go when he was a human. Sometimes it reminds him that things will never go back to normal no matter how much he wants. And the sad part,he will wake up with the same hope it will better and it doesn't.

It got even better when he tried to be happy around others. That a part of him didn't died. And he is really tired of this literal sadness loop of endless. It was just Raphael right? He shouldn't be sad now that he's free from that heartless bastard. Except that he does care and that pains him a lot.

Maybe the other life is better than this one?

August 14 2019

His life as a half vampire isn't bad as someone makes it as (well he did when he first got turned). He has a job working as a part time technician at SCorp and it pays really well. He wanted to become accountant but he needs to save some money for the college fees so this job will do for now. He lives in a rundown apartment which he thankfully got suggested by his friend,Henry. His mum is alive, thank god for that and which by the way he can say god without feeling like he mouth being burned or tear apart. 

He could control his hunger and he no longer need Luke to help him overcome it. The best part he is starting to love himself being a vampire. Most of the food that he use to eat when he was a human, he would cook it (adding the blood obviously) and he realized that it's not a bad thing. How circumstances turned out to be.

He feels fine. He wants it to be that way.

If only everyone could picture it the way he wanted to be.

He didn't talk to the others. He left them alone buried beneath those painful memories. He decided if he wanted to start a new life it will be without "them" in it. So he prefer not to talk about anyone again. He left them for a reason.

There were missed called that left unanswered, he even changed his number a year ago when it annoyed him for several months. It wasn't easy at first because he was looking for a job and he needed his current number to be available at the moment. Whatever reason he had, it's not important. He disappeared after he left Magnus' place because he couldn't deal with anyone not even Clary.

His first love hurt him and the second one, he thought he had a chance. But it was only him all alone again with the one sided love. He hates himself for sounding like white straight male who got rejected by girls.

Truthfully,he is bitter and he wants to be loved. But he doesn't deserve it, no matter how many people told him how much worthy of a love he deserves to get. He knew himself.

He is greedy when it comes wanting to be loved. 

A way out of this loneliness is to be alone. Such a sad way to end his story in this chapter. He is a writer of his own story but he can't control what will happen next. Will it be a sad ending or happy ending? Or does it end with just an "okay" ending where his life is great but there's a part that missing in his life.

He would rather spill the ink on the paper and tear it apart so there will be no story to tell. 

That's how destructive he is.


End file.
